Okay, so tonight at work I dealt with, arguably, the single stupidest customer I have dealt with since I have been working at a video store. I say arguably because one could submit that the time a slightly older than middle aged woman was first introduced to the concept of microwavable popcorn may be, at most, equal to what happened tonight. I'll leave that up to you to decide.
Heres what went down:
I am headed to the bathroom about to take a piss when the phone rings. Already frustrated, I pick the phone up.
ME: Hello, Express Video.
WOMAN: Hi, is this the video store?
ME: Y-yes.
WOMAN: Hi, I rented a Deeeeeee Veeeeee Deeeeee from you earlier. . .
(She said "DVD" as if it were some ridiculous new concept that was just introduced to us all yesterday, and is perhaps a bit too out there for her own likes)
WOMAN (cont.): . . . and I cant seem to get the case to open up.
(Right here I was thinking that somebody had forgot to remove the lock from the case. Too bad that would have made sense)
ME: Oh I'm sorry, somebody probably didn't remove the lock on the side.
WOMANTARD: Which side?
ME: The right side. Is there a blue lock running down the right spine of the case?
WOMANTARD: Wait, okay, I'm looking at the cover right now. Is it supposed to open from the left?
(Heres where I paused. Not until this moment did I begin to realize the level of tard I was dealing with. I took a breath)
ME: The-the right side. The right.
WOMANTARD: Ooohhh, like a book?
(I took another breath)
ME: Yup... like a ... book. Do you see a lock there?
WOMANTARD: I just see an empty space.
(This means that there was no lock, and that a phone call shouldn't have been made, and that I should have been done pissing by now. . . I took another breath)
ME: Well, then... it should open.
WOMANTARD: I cant seem to get it to o-pen.
(At this point she starts making grunting noises)
ME: Okay, are you trying to open it like a ... book?
WOMANTARD: Yes. But it won't-
(More grunting noises. I take a breath)
ME: Okay. Let's see here. Place both of your thumbs in the empty space.
WOMANTARD: Okay, I did that, nothings happening.
(I threw the phone RIGHT at the floor. Took a breath. Picked the phone back up)
WOMANTARD: What was that?
ME: I dropped the phone. . . Are your thumbs still in there?
WOMANTARD: Wait, okay.
ME: Now, push out with both of your thumbs.
WOMANTARD: Will the disc fall out?
ME: What?
WOMANTARD: Will the disc fall out?
ME: WHAT?
WOMANTARD: Will the disc fall out?
ME: No. The disc won't "fall out". Just push out with both of your thumbs.
(Click)
WOMANTARD: Would you look at that.
ME: What?
WOMANTARD: Theres the Deeeeeee Veeeeee Deeeeeee.
ME: Okay bye.
( I hung up the phone, and looked up to see the store full of people. I had to wait a half hour to take my piss, and when I finally got to go, I imagined that I was pissing into the womantard's mouth)
