The Darkness is a movie about a girl who moves into a new house with her family. Little do they know, the house is cursed, and when covered in complete darkness, spooky things begin to happen. Well you know where else it's dark and spooky? Inside my asshole. And I would rather have watched that for an hour and half than this douche driplet of a movie.

     The story that I tried to follow in the theater was neither simple nor complex. Rather, it was not a story at all. A story, for one, has a point. Another defining rule to a story is that it has to have a clearly presented beginning, middle, and end. The Darkness had neither of these attributes. The least they could have done was have an actual story. That would have brought the film's regard from "one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen" all the way up to "Plain Old Shitty Movie".

     Let me try to explain what they considered a story. The family moves to a new house in Spain near their grandfather. Why did they move? That's just a silly question. There's no need for the movie to explain that. 40 years ago, at the very house, 7 children went missing. According to the research performed by Anna Paquin and her friend (Who clearly wanted nothing more than to get into her pants) the house was designed in the vein of a temple. (Ghostbusters Anyone?) Why did Anna Paquin and her fuck buddy decide to research the house? Come on now with the nutball left feild questions.

     An eclipse is going to occur in 5 days. The movie counts down each day as it passes. (Mmm, I taste Amityville with a slight hint of The Ring). As each day passes, the father grows a bit more crazy. He stops shaving and rings form around his eyes. (That tickles, what is that? Oh, Amityville, or The Shining, you say?)

     So at this point we're about an hour into the movie, and the only "Scares" the movie has offered are in the form of people jumping and gasping at someone who is behind them when they didn't expect it. The eclipse is about to approach, and Anna Paquin is certain that something scary might finally happen for christs sake, so to avoid it she tries to get her grandfather to get their family who doesn't believe her, out of the house. Here's the big plot twist: The Grandfather is in on it (Is that Rosemary's baby I smell?). It turns out that the Grandfather set up the entire situation so his occult curse could fall into place, and the 8th child could be sacrificed so as to open the mouth to hell. (An extra dash of Amityville).  I don't know about anybody else in the theater, but I can tell you, man was I shocked when I found out that the grandfather of all people was plotting this all along. You would have never expected it. I mean before this scene, all he did was suspiciously stare at Anna Paquin's little brother, and spend most of the movie trying to reassure the family that the house wasn't haunted when they were seeing ghosts. What a shocker.

Note to the film makers responsible for "The Darkness": You're not talented because you've seen Amityville Horror/ The Shining/ Poltergeist/ Rosemary's baby/ The Ring. Okay?

     Anna Paquin's grandfather goes on a rant that makes no sense. He explains the power of darkness (Yeah, I guess it's more than just not-light after all). He tries to correlate snakes with darkness, but fails.  Eventually Anna Paquin says "I love you" and for no good reason, he lets her go, then she runs home, and instead of trying to get the family out of the house that is shaking as the eclipse is occuring, she helps poke a hole in her father's throat, then runs upstairs with her little brother. The Darkness tries get Anna to  shut her flashlight off, and she almost does, but then she uses her supergenius skills to realize that she is being tricked. So she runs outside with her little brother leaving her mother and father to die. They get into the car of her fuck buddy, and drive off into the distance. But wait... her fuck buddy arrives at the house alone. Say, I thought they already left. Wait just a second... you mean she's just being tricked again? WOWIE! Back to her driving with her fuck buddy and her brother in the back seat.

BROTHER: Are we going to be safe now?

PAQUIN: Yes we are.

FUCK BUDDY: No ... you're not.

     They drive into a dark tunnel. And the movie ends. What a great ending. The entire movie consisted of them being tricked by the darkness, then they got tricked again, and it ended. I have an idea for their next movie: Two guys play catch for an hour and a half. Then at the end, as one guy catches the ball, he says          "I win" and the credits start to roll.

 Note to the film makers Responsible for "The Darkness": Several variations on an attempt at the same cheap thrill does not make for a good horror movie.

     Hey, fuckheads, if you ARE going to take the bad ending route, then the least you could have done was show me the fucking hellmouth that was supposed to open up once the ritual took place. That's the least you could have done. Not that it would have made up for the rest of the movie sucking, but if you tell me that the mouth of hell has opened, and don't show me... well I'm not much of a religious man, but I do believe you would go to hell for depriving me of such.

     Anna Paquin clearly had some bills to pay, and I had to suffer for it which is completely unfair. Whenever I have to pay my bills, you don't see me waving a bag of shit in front of Anna Paquin's face. I just keep to myself, and so should she.

     In conclusion. Fuck "The Darkness" FUCK!