Today's Experiment: Cocky Dough
I may be onto something here
The other night, I was doing my impression of the fat girl from Mr. Belvedere who eats when she gets sad. As I was scooping into my pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, something hit me. I thought What would this cookie dough taste like if you tried to make actual cookies with it?

Normally, stupid ideas like that pass through me, and I go on with my day, however, this one kept haunting me. All through the next day, the little voice inside my head kept moaning "Trrryyyy Iiit!", which was kind of cool because it made him stop singing that Britney Spears song that was stuck in my head for about a week, but it was still annoying.

After a few hours of "Trrrryyyy iiiitt!" I finally snapped, and said, "Fine, I'll do it! Just shut the fuck up!" My boss, who was in the hallway at the time, gave me weird looks throughout the rest of the workday, and didn't happen approach me with anymore assignments. Nice perk, I'd say.

And so began my scientific experiment to see if ice cream cookie dough makes for good regular cookies.
HYPOTHESIS
I think that the cookies will end up tasting like shit, and here's why: The regular cookie dough that is used to make homemade cookies contains raw eggs. Sure, it tastes good, but I'll bet it's not that good for ya. When ice cream companies make this stuff, they have to make sure it is preserved for a certian amount of time. or else they'll end up with a bunch of sick old ladies, and grandchildren. (Old ladies and grandchildren typically eat more ice cream than anybody else. I'm sure there's some statistic out there proving as such. I just don't feel like looking for it.) It's just bad business to have sick customers, so I'm sure they would try any way to avoid such a thing from happening.

Now, even though the cookie dough in ice cream is frozen, the raw egg portion of it would still go bad after a certian period of time, so it would probably be in their best interest to create some cookie dough concoction that doesn't require eggs, or includes a very small amount of eggs, but tastes the same because they figure "Well, fuck, it's not like anybody's going to cook this shit. Who in Zeus's name would do such a thing?" So they probably leave out the egg portion that is required when making the cookie dough. In baking the purpose of eggs is to create color, texture, and most importantly, taste. Without eggs, after baked, the ice cream cookie dough will probably lack that very taste that a conventional cookie contains.
THE EXPERIMENT:
STEP 1: Buy The Ice Cream
I went to the local convenience store, and purchased a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream because it was what gave me the inspiration to perform this scientific experiment in the first place.

When I bought the ice cream, I made sure to tell the cashier exactly what I was going to do with it. The conversation went as follows:

CLERK: That will be $2.99, please.

ME: Want to know what I'm going to do with this?

CLERK: I assume you're going to eat it.

ME: Wrong. I'm going to cook the cookie dough to see if it makes good cookies.

(At this point I stared at her for a few seconds while she tried to smile)

ME: What do you think about that?

CLERK: It sounds interesting.

ME: Well it isn't.

CLERK: Okay.

ME: Who do I have to fuck around here to get a price on this ice cream?

CLERK: That will be $2.99, please.

ME: Finally. Here's three bucks. Keep the change.

(I grabbed the pint and left the store. Once I was in the parking lot, I turned around, and walked back in)

ME: You know what, nevermind. I want the change.

(She reached into the register, grabbed a penny, and handed it to me)

CLERK: Have a nice day.

ME: Have your own nice day.
STEP 2: Allow ice cream to thaw.
This is an easy step. All you have to do is wait. I let the ice cream sit for a good 45 minutes before I moved onto the next step. There are many things you can do while you're waiting. For example, while I was waiting I jerked off nine times because I am vulgar.
A Photo of my ice cream thawing while I masturbate in the other room.
STEP 3: Retrieve Cookie Dough
I at first used a spoon to retrieve the pieces of cookie dough, but it didn't work as well as I had hoped, so I had to start using my fingers. At first it felt fine, but after a few minutes my fingers started to freeze up, and loose feeling. Soon enough I couldn't feel if I was touching cookie dough chunks or not, so I went back to the spoon.
scientific research on frostbite
In the ice creams lies the spoon that I began and finished with during step 3.
STEP 4: Clean the dough
I didnt want ice cream to bake over the cookies because, as a scientist, I knew that would ruin the experiment, and I wouldn't get my grant. So I cleaned the cookie dough, at first using paper towels to sop up the wet ice cream, and eventually just by sitcking the dough bits into my mouth and sucking the ice cream off.

By sticking the ingredietns into my mouth, I knew I was risking changing the style from homemade cookies to restaurant-style cookies, but it was a risk I was willing to take because the paper towels took too long.
A plate full of mouth-cleaned cookie dough bits.
STEP 5: Cook The Dough
Since there were no instructions on the ice cream container that explained how to cook the cookie dough, (which I am going to complain to the company about) I had to create my own instructions. I figured to do it the way things are traditionally baked. I laid the dough out on an ungreased cookie sheet, and pre-set the oven to 350 (holy shit I can't find  a"degrees" sign on my keyboard). I placed the cookie dough in the oven and waited approximately 10 mins. After 10 mins. they looked ready.
The dough awaits its Hansel and Gretel fate
STEP 6: Taste Test
Before I tell you how they tasted, I first must tell you that they looked errily similar to Cookie Crisp cereal pieces. Not only did they look like Cookie Crisp, but they were as hard as Cookie Crisp as well. LISTEN to what it sounded like when I dropped one against a plate.

How did they taste? You know that taste you get in your mouth when there's NOTHING in it? Imagine that, and you're tasting what I tasted when I ate one of the Ben and Jerry Cookies. The only time I noticed any flavor was when I ate the burnt one, and THAT one tasted like burnt shit.
CoooOOOOOOOOooookie Crisp!
CONCLUSION
My hypothesis was semi-correct. The Ben and Jerry cookies did end up lacking the flavor of a regular cookie. However, upon further research I did discover that eggs were used in the process of making the cookie dough. I wont explain to you how I disovered that eggs were used, for if you yourself are not a scientist, then you lack the intellect that would be required to comprehend such a complex series of technology spacecraft intercom electron microchip. Come back to me when there is a "Dr." in front of your name. Seeing as how I was wrong about the eggs, the only conclusion I can come to that would explain why the cookies sucked is that Ben and Jerry don't know how to make cookies. They're a bunch of lame-ass hippie freaks who think they know everything, but then all of a sudden when it comes to making cookie dough, they start drooling and flinging shit because it turns out the DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING! Go back in your hippie van, and get the hell out of my country! YOU HEAR ME!?? YOU FUCKERS! YOU SHITWITS! I WILL KILL YOU! Hey Ben and Jerry, I got some advice. Go find another way to flaunt your homosexuality! You didn't need to create an empire of ice cream featuring cartons with pictures of you two, centimeters away from tongue kissing eachother, to let me know that you guys are a couple of meat sucking buttjammers! You could have just called me up, or strung a billboard across the freeway! FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOUR SHITTY FLAVORLESS COOKIES!
Below is the e-mail that I sent to the Ben and Jerry website. I will post their response when it arrives.
That's all for now. See you next time on...
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